


Learn to Know Myself

by Corvidology



Series: The Alienist (TV), Season 2: Angel of Darkness [7]
Category: The Alienist (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s02e07: Last Exit to Brooklyn, Episode: s02e08 Better Angels, Fix-It, M/M, Pining, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:54:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25817623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Corvidology/pseuds/Corvidology
Summary: Written right afters02e07: Last Exit to Brooklynands02e08: Better Angelswere broadcast on TNT for the first time, as an immediate reaction to the episodes.
Relationships: Laszlo Kreizler/John Schuyler Moore
Series: The Alienist (TV), Season 2: Angel of Darkness [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1839259
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	Learn to Know Myself

I have feelings for Karen. They're not impassioned, like my feelings for John yet they are logical. She is brilliant, beautiful and challenging. In her company, I find myself growing as a scholar and as a man as she forces me to consider living life freely outside of conventional expectations, her obvious familiarity with the invert club just one aspect of this. She has lived her life to the fullest while I have hidden behind the walls of the institute and has much to teach me. 

As for my John, I have no doubt that Sara loves him but she wants no part of the conventional life John would expect her to live as his wife and as the mother of his children. He might think she doesn't love him enough but truth be told I feel she loves him far too much to have him settle for less than his heart desires, for what she is willing to offer. 

Any hopes I had of his defying convention have disappeared in the face of his choice to marry Violet. In that choice he has bowed to every expectation society holds for him. He will become a model husband and father and his free spirit will die a slow respectable death. 

At least in Vienna, I will not have to witness it and I wish, above all, to be happy for him. In a month, I will be packed and gone. 

*

I was disturbed from my reading by an incessant knocking on my front door. It was John, reeking of alcohol and unsteady on his feet. I had to support him to make it to the settee without his falling down. 

"She lied, Laszlo, she lied."

"You're not making any sense, John. Let me get you some water."

He caught my hand before I could turn away. "Violet. She's not pregnant. She got angry when I praised Sara's success once more and let it slip out. She berated me as an easily manipulated fool, first by Sara and now by her." He slumped down, still holding my hand. "Sara will not be my wife and Violet only wants my name. We are supposed to be married in two days. What am I to do, Laszlo?"

"You are going to lie down and sleep off the whisky currently clouding your judgment. Once sober, you must think things through. You must tell Violet your engagement is off if that is your true intention and consider if you really believe Sara beyond your reach."

"And then what?"

John looked so forlorn I had to stifle the impulse to hold him, certain no such gesture on my part would be welcome.

"Then you might consider coming to Vienna with me."

For the first time I saw something like hope flicker across John's face. "You would not mind? What of Dr. Stratton?"

What of Dr. Stratton indeed? She is brilliant, beautiful and challenging but I have loved John with all his many faults that somehow dovetail perfectly with mine since we were students together. 

"You are my dearest... friend, John. Dr. Stratton will understand."

And I have no doubt that she will. The club, my invert books, her constant challenge that I really learn to know myself. 

John may never fully return my feelings but I have no choice but to act on them, my heart forever ruling my head where he's concerned. 

I am no longer alienated from my own true nature.


End file.
